Review: Warm Bodies

     For todays tawdry tale we are branching out beyond Netflix, but don’t worry, I’m sure you can still pirate it online- not that I condone that sort of thing- ahem.
     Were watching ‘Warm Bodies’ aka Zombie Twilight, aka Zombio and Juliet. Yay, another Zombie love story… Words I never thought would go together, but apparently there is a audience for it. This movie, although having its cheezy moments, was engaging and fun to watch. Just don’t think your getting Shakespeare. – Ha
     Moving on.

     Two houses both alike in dignity, in fair- apocolyptica lol
      We actually start out with a zombie. Our unlikely hero in fact, who like Mr Shakespeare, is monologuing up a storm. Apparently even zombies are prone inane insecurities like lack of motor functions, bad posture, and a general zombie like state. He is surprisingly eloquent, considering he’s a shambling corpse. Interesting way of turning a monster with only simple base functions into a character your audience can identify with. Then again, Walmart employees have to have someone to look up to.
     Being a zombie is depressing, even his zombie home base, aka zombie hoarders apocalypse addition, is only a creature comfort.
     Our poor hero is bored out of his rotting mind, but he’s got friends (Lou from hot tub time machine).
     See zombies aren’t so different, they like to do things us living folk do, mainly eat out!
     Remember, safety in numbers all you undead kiddies.
     Now, lets see how the living are doing hauled up in their barricaded base camp. Unfortunately, they are running low on supplies and must venture out into zombie ridden lands led by a pretty young blond named Julie.
      One group looking for supplies, one for food. When the two clash I’m literally waiting for them to break out into a ‘West Side Story’ like showdown.
     Common, that would be awesome right. *when your a zombie your a zombie all the way* ok maybe the syllables don’t work, but I’d be amused.
     And our young strapping zombie sets eyes on the fair Julie for the first time. Star crossed love connection? …Ew
     Any who, its noms time for zombie, and apparently eating peoples brains gives you the ability to see into the exciting world of twilight, where you can watch people lounging in fields while delivering incredibly booring back story.
     Now our Zombie realizes he just ate his new crushes boyfriend. Bad news, shes not going to be happy about that, good news, shes single.
     And the zombie vs human fight is over, but how do you get your friends not to eat your new girlfriend? Smear her with your blood and take her with you! Maybe she will learn to love you or some unlikely Stockholm syndrome like thing. She could possibly think your rotting incoherent bloodiness is cute…
     Back on the deserted plain/ hoarding lair, our Zombie’s gotta focus on not being creepy.
     Good luck!
     Man, why do monsters always wanna smell you and stare at you? Luckily our Zombie hero R has a better range of facial expressions than some sparkly vampires I could mention.
     Quick, play some music. It’s the great equalizer, even the damned loves them some Guns and Roses.
     Oh the magic of Axel Rose. He was the key to this undead thing the whole time. Or perhaps its love… I’m going with Axel.
     Oh no, Julie has escaped- I mean wandered off. Lest save her!
     And back to the zombie human pseudo date full of awkward adorableness.
     Now, Human girl Julie seems to be settling in. Que cutesy montage.
     Ok Edward, stop watching her sleep.
     Oh no, Julie escapes again! Quick, save the dumb blond!
     And we leave the zombie city to an abandoned house for an awkward, sexual tension laden, sleepover. Oh no my clothes are wet, let me take them off. 
     Yay! Julie’s gonna stay forever, and they’ll be in love, and- oh she left again.
     Will Julie forgive R for eating her boyfriend?
     Will they both be obliterated by shambling senseless corpses that are so beyond the capacity for love that they must destroy it?
     Will the humans kill our hero- again?
     Will star cross love concur all- undead things?
     Guess you will have to watch and find out.
     Final fright: Zombio, oh Zombio, where for art thou Zombio-
     Excellent soundtrack, great action, well executed. I highly recommend this movie, especially if you have a sense of humor. Or if your a dude who likes to watch romantic comedies but don’t want to admit it. You can easily get a group of people to watch this under the guise of it being all about zombies. Then, to save face when they find out its a rom com, you can just say you thought it was something else. But secretly, you enjoyed it. Everybody wins.
     Four claws up!
     Until next time, unpleasant screams.
     Kidna Styx

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