Todays titivating terror is ‘Little Witches, aka we wish we were ‘The Craft.”
This film is all about good little school girls being seduced by the dark side, providing spoon fulls of pointless T&A. Well pointless if your not watching it for the T&A, which lets face it, you probably are. This film is full of run around plot lines and cheezy after effects, straight to DVD at its best.
Aaand we begin with half naked girls at a sacrificial- something. T&A off the bat. Yay! Now they’re chanting in tongues so we don’t understand a thing they’re saying. Lucklily no one watching this is paying attention to what they have to say anyway.
Blood sacrifice! Oh no, they’ve summoned a horny demon- I mean horned demon.
They didn’t have the effects budget to show him, but I’d like to imagine he looked something like this-
Theres much screaming and somehow they manage to banish the demon. Yay!
Jump to school girls doing inane schoolgirl like things, complete with bitchyness and dietary issues.
Surprise they’re not just school girls, they’re catholic school girls, which means repressed daddy issues. Woo, get this party started.
On to the whiny confessional booth scenes featuring all your favorite stereotypes including; the cubby girl, the shy one, the hussy, the token black chick, and the awkward maybe lesbian.
Boring boring, church, boring. Enter, not Fairuza Balk, slutting up to the poor confessional preacher. And we have nip sighting only 10 minutes into the movie.
Cut to, loitering outside the church. Can my heart stand the excitement? Here they run into random hot shirtless construction guy. Who needs a shirt when you have rock hard abs… not leaving the ladies out of this flesh fest I see.
Surprise, the construction worker actually had a purpose, he’s knocked a hole in some rather unconvincing masonry. Whats this? A tunnel that leads beneath the church. The hell you say. What could possibly down there?
*Dun dun dun*
Back to not Fairuza trying to get ‘Shy Girl’ to loosen up- in all meanings of the word- by striping for the enjoyment of whomever is walking outside her friends window; construction workers, church officials, stray dogs.
The next night, the girls head over to the local convent to deliver meals. Like you do.
Oh hello shirtless guy, what are you doing here? We almost didn’t recognize you with your shirt on.
Skip to the slumber party scene! I think I see some lesbian school girl action coming up.
Psych! Lets do our all female Scooby Doo review and check out that weird tunnel under the church.
Oh my, someones coming, its old creepy androgynous nun. Run!
Ok were safe. Go go gadget Latin reading. Good thing we teeny boppers know how to do that.
Now lets get drunk on the church equivalent of box wine and create some lesbian cult magic- I mean sister illuminate’ rituals. All hail, lets get nakey.
Spooky, the archaic ritual book book speaks of the a horned demon. Lets complete the spell to summon him for no good reason at all.
Blah blah, books, blah blah, magic stuff gathering montage! Were summoning the horned demon aka ‘he who comes’… yeah not touching that one.
Oh oh, looks like the girls are getting their deamon possesion on!
Will shy girl be able to talk sense into her friends?
Will shirtless guy fall prey to slutty catholic school girl demon summoners?
Will androgynous nun pull out her ‘I kick ass for The Lord’ act?
Or perhaps bring forth some ‘Poltergeist’ action? *wink*
Will slutty mc sluttrerson truly achieve Fairuza Balk status?
Will he who comes…. come? Guess you’ll have to find out for yourself.
Final fright: Horny demon
This movie is moderately acted, executed, and has a random plot that I change even the most hardened ADD personality to recreate. However, not Fairuza has one smoking bod. So take that for what its worth viewers.
Three claws up.
Until next time, unpleasant screams,