Review: John Dies at the End

     Todays traumatizing tidbit is ‘John Dies At The End.’
     He does? Well thanks for the spoiler, geez. This movie will have your brain reeling for some shred of sanity, but its a fun and chaotic ride full of crazy effect and unlikely turn of events.
     Any who, we start out, like any faithful tail, with a boy and his axe. Wait, I’ve heard this joke before, it goes like- how many axes, wait no, a man replaces the handle of an axe, no, may I axe you a question-

     Ok I guess I’m just not going to get it. Oh well, Moving on.
      Ever watch a movie that makes you feel like your on drugs? Well eat your heart out because ‘John Dies at the end’ probably wont make much sense unless youve taken somehing you probebly shouldnt have, or you’ve watched it 10 + times.
     If this somehow isn’t your brand of crazy, you can always go watch Dude Where’s My Car, Requiem For A Dream, any Kubrick movie, or perhaps Fraggle Rock.
     Anyway, Dave, our unlikely hero is talking to a journalist about his experiences with of a psychotic drug invetagation nature.
     Now we enter story mode where, Dave, leads us through the series of beizare events where he seems to be part of some black magic investigation duo with his buddy John-
     Im sure every one is waiting for he shoe to drop on that one-
     They set out to help a young girl with- something black magiky-
     Oh no, theres a giant meat puppet! No, literally, its a giant man sized puppet made of meat.
     Quick, lets reason with it.
     Luckily, Marconi a powerful magician, played by the Kurgan –  aka Clancy Brown is goanna help with the- meat thing.
     Yay!
     Now its time for a musical interlude and a crazy creepy Jamaican dude predicting up a storm and readin peoples minds!
     Ok is anyone else following? No? Alright, just checking.
     Back to the story… I think.
     Dave’s buddy, John, needs help, because he’s tripin all crazy on soy sauce- a drug, not the actual sauce. Now John is making crazy predictions and readin peoples minds, just like the Rastafarian!
     Confused by the syringe full of soy sauce dark matter stuff, Dave puts it in his pocket for later inspection.
     Crazy scary spider thingy!
     So, Dave rescues his friend John, but while talking to John, John calls him on the phone… Creepy.
     Wait! Does John die here? No wait, he can’t, because John dies at the end- Right?
     Dave needs to drive John to the hospital, but no, he forgot about the needle full of soy sause in his pocket, weird it should accidentally stab him.
     Whats the lesson here? Don’t stick needles in your pocket, kids.
     Now poor Dave is tripping balls. Look out, a scary thin man (Doug Jones of Pans Labyrith, Silver Surfer, Hellboy- and every other awesome monster creature thing you can think of) and his
scary spider thing are suddenly in Dave’s car, there to drop some more crazy Slender Man action on him.
     Hang on, now the police have apprehended Dave for questioning.
     *Dun dun dun!!!*
     The police tell him that John is dead.
     Oh, now John’s dead. Wait, movies not over yet! This flick is jumping all over like ‘Memento.’
     Crazy spider thing!
     Back to John dieing. Who does Dave get a call from? John. How can that be?
     Again, *Dun Dun Dun*
     Dave dossent get it, and neither do I. Quick, flying mustache and a whole new meaning to arm wrestling!
     Will poor dave be able to figure out whats going on?
     Will a giant eyeball entity take over the known world?
     Will the audience go insane trying to follow whats happening?
     Will Marconi straighten things out with the help of military grade explosives?

 

    Will the world suddenly stop rotating and all its inhabitants go hurting off into space?
    Will John really die?
     Guess youll have to watch to find out.
     Final fright: Crazy spider thingy!
      Excellent psychotic execution, humor, and mind numbingly scary creature things.
      Honestly, I call shenanigans on this whole movie, but if you enjoy film makers reaching out of the screen and into your mind to mess with your known universe, then I highly suggest this movie.
      Or if your simply doing drugs- that might help.
      Three claws up for

 

     Until next time, Unpleasant Screams,
     XX Kidna Styx

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