Review: Hansel and Gretel (2013)

     Todays tacky tale is a modern retelling of Hansel and Gretel. (No not the one staring Hawk Eye)
     This grousome gore fest, like so many other streight to dvd’s with popular titals, had a good idea, lets mix ‘Saw’ with Grimm’s Fairy Tales! Great idea! However with the holywwod ‘Witch Hunters’ version hot on there heels, they were in a bit of a rush, and sadly it shows. A for effort, D for execution. But we horor fans do enjoy us some mindless violence, so here we go!

     We start off with a chubby woman trying to escape a ‘Hostel’ like jail cell who seems to be taking cues from the school of how not to escape your captor
     After breaking several appendages, Spoiler Alert!, she is recaptured and made into an entrée.
     Leaving this lovely little luau, we find ourselves in a quaint little town in a quaint little candy store- named the gingerbread house- with a quaint little busty brunette named Gretel.
     Gretel works at the Gingerbrea house for a witch- I mean woman (Dee Wallace of ET) who is famous for her meat pies, but she wont tell what kind of meat is in it… Ok Miss’s Lovett.
     Enter Gretel’s slacker video game playing brother – Hansel.
     Lets just skip over the unnecessary melodramatic father maying a younger woman scene, to the the kids lost in the woods- just outside their own neighborhood…
     Oh no look out for that, poorly placed bear trap!
     Hansel’s down already. But its ok, his sister apparently has super strength and tears it off. You’ll be alright Hansol, Walk it off.
     From there our uncharismatic leads discover a house in the woods- Surprise!- its owned by Gretel’s boss, the candy maker.
     Lucky them?
     After imbibing some graciously given candies-
     Hansol wakes up in a dungeon with several other young twenty somethings who fed and generally terrorized by some hillbilly looking killer types who must have been set grips before the production realized they had forgotten to cast the non speaking murderers.
     In the meantime Gretel is the candy makers new forcefully adopted daughter who gets forcefully fed dinner while this erratic plot is focefully shoved down the audiences throat.
     Cut to the father and young wife paceing around their lovely home in a not so stellar attempt to find find the lost kids. Likewise the local two man police department is on the case, lazily questioning residents on the whereabouts of our candy eating captives.
     Back at the mass murmur ranch, Hansel and Gretel are reunited in the dungeon where they attempt to escape, discovering creepy, after random, after just playing dumb, while their captive buddy tries to run and gets shot in the back with an arrow. But it’s ok, he walks it off as though possessing wolverine like healing abilities
     What a trooper.
     Back in slaughter-world, Hansol’s got a brilliant idea, lets escape through the oven which mysteriously leads to another room-
     Ooook.
     Oh no, one of the not so menacing killers had pumped the room full of gas which makes them hallucinate strange scenes of flesh eating, wire cutting, disembowelment.
     Sure, why not.

 

     Now that we’ve wasted several more minutes of film footage that has no effect on anything, the story continues.
     Will our young tortured tag-team find their way out?
     Will they to become meat pies?
     Will they succumb to their collective non relivant daddy issues?
     Final Fright: Walk it off.
     Over all, if you turn this into a drinking game where you drink every time something unlikely, convenient, or predictable happens, you should be in for a drunken night of confusion before the opening credits finish.
     Two claws for getting this gory gagger made and managing to keep the boom mic out of the shot.
     Until next time, Unplesant Screams,
     XX Kidna Styx

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