Pandora’s Guidebook to Vampires: Part XI

 

Hello darklings, Kidna Styx here.

Welcome to part eleven of Pandora’s Guidebook to Vampires. My vampire friend Pandora Grey Blackheart just had to debunk a few supernatural misconceptions.

Food

It’s a big myth that vampires can’t eat. We can, but our system is no longer designed to process it. We can taste and enjoy it, but we derive no nutrition. It leaves us completely hungry.

Our bodies dissolve impurities, so food and drink have no chance of sticking around long. We are the ultimate waste disposal unit. For those of you sick puppies that really want to know the science of it, the impurities are liquefied and passed through the system like any normal liquid– which means a visit to the little vampire’s room.

Other dissolvable impurities include bullets, which is awesome. I couldn’t imagine having to dig out one of those suckers.

Advice

If you can convince a vampire to eat incriminating evidence, you won’t ever have to worry about seeing it again. Though it might just be easier and less detrimental to get a shredder.

Crosses

Vampires that were alive during the Spanish inquisition are not fond of crosses. I can understand why they don’t like to have them in their presence. However, I have never heard of crosses burning or repelling an actual vampire.

Maybe if you run into some Christian vampire full of so much self-loathing that they think God has cursed them with eternal existence—you might stand a chance. However, those vamps don’t generally last long as they usually find a way to off themselves.

Who would want to live like that?

I was never religious, but I have seen vampires that are and even they don’t have problems with crosses. So unless some witch sparkled up a cross with a curse, or you get a really big one with super sharp points, it won’t help whatsoever in a vampire attack.

Advice

Those old Van-Helsing-like vampire kits are all pretty with their ornately carved wooden case and designer tools, but unless you’re looking for an expensive tchotchke, it’s a waste of money. A revolver will have more stopping power and that ain’t much.

 


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