Pandora’s Guidebook to Vampires: Part X

 

Hello darklings, Kidna Styx here.

Welcome to part ten of Pandoras Guidebook to Vampires. My vampire friend Pandora Grey Blackheart just had to debunk a few supernatural misconceptions.

 

Appearance

OK, so the vamp virus tends to smooth out imperfections. Acne is no longer a problem, greasy hair balances out, years of spinal compression and hunching clear up. You stand taller, you are more comfortable in your own skin. Confidence is king and it can often do way more for a person than appearance alone.

However, miracles only go so far. Not all vampires are created equal. Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s permanent. If you were born with a big nose, cutting it off will not make it grow back smaller. This is how your genetic makeup decided you would look. Vamp blood only changes the blood. So save yourself some pain, and go see the psychologist because you’re stuck with it as long as you’re breathing. For instance, I know a vamp born with a strange birthmark on her arm and it’s there to stay. Can’t fight basic factory genetics. Not everyone is a beauty queen but on the bright side, makeup still works.

 

Advice

If for some reason you’re next in line to become a vampire, you might want to think twice. If you’re not too fond of yourself or the way you look, adding a few millennia won’t make it any better. You won’t have to worry about dieting but you’ll be stuck with yourself forever, for better or worse.

 

Mating

Oh love. We love it and we are quite good at it. A vampire’s natural tool is seduction. It makes getting close to one’s prey much easier. Not to mention, enhanced senses make everything way more fun.

Vampires usually stick to vampire partners, but vamps and humans have relations just fine. If you happen to be one of those humans in a relationship with a vamp, be careful—your vampiric partner is much more stronger and far more agile than you. You don’t want to hear some of the horror stories I’ve heard about things getting torn off in the heat of the moment.

Blood-drinking during mating, like with any physical proclivity, depends on the person. Some like to bite, some like to be bit. Some like to take blood by force while others like it freely given. Taking blood from a partner is pretty common though. I mean think about it, food and love, best combo ever.

What would you do if your lover were filled with hot fudge?

Vampires, believe it or not, can mate for life. It’s a long life, but when vampires couple, they often become addicted to one another. The constant blood-swapping is bound to have some long-term effect.

Most vamp couples mate for a period of forty to sixty years then take a few years off to ‘freshen the blood.’ Can’t blame them. You’d grow tired of anyone after spending nearly a century together. Some only stay away a year depending on how long they’d been together and how bonded they are. Even mating for five years can create an unbreakable bond. It‘s not as strong as the Maker Tyro bond, but it’s still powerful. Once created, you just can’t stay away from one another for too long. It’s in the blood.

Many vampires enjoy healthy periods of mating and separation, but when a bond goes wrong, it goes very wrong. If one vamp decides to sever the tie against the other one’s will, they could both go mad. The blood longs for the blood of the mate. A separation can have many negative effects such as insanity, gorging, and loss of appetite.

Actually, now that I think about it, that sounds like the effects of a normal breakup.

This is why vamps are careful with whom they mate. Only time or a new mating can heal the breakup.

 

Advice

If you somehow manage to find a pair of vampires roaming about, they are likely bonded and you do not want any part of that. Unless of course you’re into that sort of thing then go ahead, it will be a hell of an experience–if you make it out alive.

 


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