Pandora’s Guidebook to Vampires: Part VII

 

Hello darklings, Kidna Styx here.

Welcome to part seven of Pandora’s Guidebook to Vampires. My vampire friend Pandora Grey Blackheart just had to debunk a few supernatural misconceptions about vampires.

Sleep

In nearly every vamp story, they tell you that vampires have to sleep in coffins. If they dare step foot into the sunlight, they immediately turn into crispy critters.

Not true.

We do not have to sleep in coffins, but they are nice since they are plush and let no light in, however unnecessary they may be. Believe it or not, we aren’t actually dead. We’re infected, permanently, like zombies, but less gross. We need just as much sleep as your average teamster— about four to six hours a day. It just makes sense to sleep during the day since the sun drains our energy.

Vampires are creatures of the night, but unlike many would have you think, we do not retreat at first light. We aren’t even necessarily tired at that point. It does however suck for us to be out. Think of a hangover, add a sunburn, plus some wicked cramps, and you might have an idea of what it feels like to be a vamp in direct sunlight.

I can go out during the day if I have to, but thankfully daylight errands—e.g., going to the bank, job interviews, and other such necessities—don’t happen too often. However, trying to deal with accountants when you just want to crawl into a hole and die, takes a level of self-control reserved for drunks during a sobriety test.

A good pair of sunglasses and an umbrella goes a long way, but thankfully my brother is a sweetheart and runs most of the daylight errands. Actually, he seems compelled to do them for me…

Advice

I do not condone vampire hunting, but if you were inclined to rid yourself of a particularly annoying bloodsucker, your best plan of attack would be to find where they sleep.

This will not be easy though. Vampires are very defensive and hate feeling weak. They hardly let other vampires know where they live, let alone rest for the day. They’re a somewhat paranoid lot.

So, luck to you if you feel so bold. To say that you would be walking into the preverbal lions den would be a gross understatement. If you wake them, they won’t thank you for it, though some do enjoy a midday snack.

 


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