Pandora’s Guidebook to Vampires: Part IX

 

Hello darklings, Kidna Styx here.

Welcome to part nine of Pandoras Guidebook to Vampires. My vampire friend Pandora Grey Blackheart just had to debunk a few supernatural misconceptions.

Blood

Yes, we drink blood. What kind of vampire would I be if I didn’t? And don’t talk to me about emotional vampires. You can find those in any high school around the world.

Blood keeps the vampire healthy and lively. Human blood to us is like food to anyone else. If you just stop eating, you waste away. It has all the nutrition we need. However, unlike humans, we can go a few days without eating, and the older we get the less we need. My Maker feeds like once a week and he is older than dirt—well the topsoil anyway.

We do however have to watch who we take blood from, especially these days. I once took blood from a guy on acid and had an Elvis sighting—It was kind of fun though, in a peanut butter and banana sandwich sort of way.

Our stomach absorbs blood like a human stomach absorbs nutrition from food. Contrary to popular belief, we do have our own blood, which has been changed from human to vampire via the vamp virus. It still pumps, but much slower, which seems to put us somewhere between life and death. I’m not a scientist, but I do know that we are somewhat susceptible to necromancers. So we must be partly dead. It’s difficult for necromancers though, only the extremely skilled can pull it off.

For you nerds out there, vamp blood is like the Borg, the human blood is assimilated by the vamp blood, which adds to the collective AKA me.

Our blood is kind of a super serum. In small doses it can heal the worst of human ailments (don’t tell the insurance companies, they’d firebomb us all.) However, in large doses, it can be lethal. The blood eradicates impurities, but it’s still a virus. Giving any more than a pint to a normal human will cause blood poisoning.

Vampires can feed off one another, and often do, but it’s a completely different experience and taste. Some prefer one to the other. However, if vampires feed from each other exclusively, one of the pair needs to be taking in fresh blood regularly. Otherwise they don’t get enough new blood cells and start going insane from the purity of the virus. They begin to think they’re more powerful, when in actuality they are starting to deteriorate.

It’s like vampire mad cow disease.

Animal blood is an option, though not so much for city vampires who only have strays and pigeons to feed off. Taste varies from animal to animal of course, but let’s just say that human is much preferred. It’s the difference between drinking plain soy milk, and drinking a double chocolate malt milkshake. It does the trick, but just doesn’t hit the spot.

Vampires can feed on other supernatural creatures, but that can be dangerous and riddled with bizarre repercussions. Strange side effects often occur, generally speaking, traits from the prey transfer onto the predator. I heard of one vamp who drank from a shifter and turned into a weird half-cat thing for about a week.

To dispel yet another lame myth, when vampires feed, our eyes don’t go all crazy like they do in the movies. We don’t start hissing and tear the throat out of our victim. Actually, the bitten seem to generally enjoy the experience, it’s like getting a hickey—with a bit of a pinch. Usually, people don’t even know it’s happening, and we don’t leave marks—as long as the fed-upon survive the experience that is.

Our fangs are needle-thin at the tips and slide through flesh without a whole lot of pain. Thank goodness, I couldn’t imagine if I bit someone and they were all like, ‘Noooo! Stop, you’re killing me!!! Ahhhhh!!!’

I’d freak out.

Advice

If you know someone who is critically ill and you have a vampire friend or access to the ‘super black market’—as I like to call the market that sells illegal supernatural wares—you can get just a little bit of vampire blood and those who imbibe it will heal up rather quickly. Keep some around and you won’t need for cold medicine, bandaids, or pain meds ever again.

However, finding this stuff ain’t easy, so if you do get some, don’t waste it and don’t go blabbing where you got it. There are some pretty hefty punishments for those who get caught. Especially for those poor vamps who have so little money they have no choice but to sell their life’s blood.

P.S. The older the vampire, the stronger the blood. Sometimes it’s worth it to spend a little more. And if you’re an avid user, switch the blood source every now and again, otherwise you might accidentally blood bond yourself to the donor who will be more than happy to replenish his stock with yours.


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